Boys Can't Man Up into Adulthood, They Have to Learn Emotional Skills

Boys sometimes have their male influences wanting them to "man-up" to adulthood and their female influences wanting them to stay sweet and innocent. They can often end up facing life without really being prepared for it and getting very angry.  Experts suggest that boys need to become emotionally literate.  And maybe that is a much greater challenge than parents' anticipate.  But if boys don't become emotionally literate, "little things" can set off big negative reactions. When it gets out of hand, well, it gets out of hand. 

Those who have emotional literacy can understand their emotions, listen to others and put themselves in another's shoes to understand what they might be feeling. Emotionally literate boys learn to express themselves and to handle their emotions in acceptable ways. Emotionally literate boys  have healthy relationships,  show love, and cooperate with others. But it can take some time for them to acquire emotional literacy.

In the book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, the authors talk about the challenges of raising boys.  There are videos and much to read on the book and the authors.  I just want to express one thought here in this post, rather than give you the run-down on the book because the authors do that better than I can ever do myself. 

Mom's have to get a grip and learn to lighten up at times.

In the book, one mom is described as giving lots of support, love and affection to a son.  But as the boy gets older, he wants to pull away a little from Mom--to gain some autonomy. Mom becomes concerned at this reaction and she reacts by attempting to force herself on the child--knocking on his bedroom door, calling for his attention, and insists that everything remains the same.  The authors point out that  boys need to move on a little from the Mom and this is normal. A Mom should not feel a sense of failure when boys do this.  Stay in there, provide support, but recognize that battles relating to this struggle can occur as a boy ages. A Mom is not going to get her way every step along the journey. It helps to understand that the boy is just attempting to grow up a little and as a boy ages, he continues to test. The Mom needs to remain confident.  The Mom needs to help her son develop confidently as well. 

In my book, The Brown and White, I talk about Collin Callaghan going off to high school each day and the Mom trying to deal with a new smaller place in his life.  The Mom in the book comes to surprise Collin with a knitted brown beret and scarf that came close to upsetting Collin. But in this case, rather than get angry and upsetting his mother, he decided to go with it and accept his fate on the bus with his friends and his new wardrobe. At it turns out, the friends don't care and it all turns out just fine except for one problem.  The scarf stretches longer each day and Collin ends up wrapping it around his body more each day.  Eventually, it looks more like a rope than a scarf. 

Parents teach a boy about caring about others feelings and this can come back to serve the parents and son.  A boy is also taught to look out for his mom by the example of the Dad and others in the family.