Many years ago there were Civil Rights leaders who would go out and talk to kids about their value and tell them that they are as good as anyone else. They usually included a line in their talks that they would ask the kids to repeat over and over again.
I am sure it was a nice event for the kids, a kind or pep rally, but kids need so much more. Often we fail as parents to get just the right balance. We want our kids to grow up and be responsible--and we also want them to develop a healthy ego.
Some kids are hard to manage and so you might keep after them over and over again. As a Dad, when your son misbehaves you have a few different strategies, but often you look at things in the short term and manage the symptoms. Kids come in endless varieties and there are many ways parents handle things. This post covers some things I've read and experienced, but everyone has to validate their own approach.
From what I have read about boys and from my natural tendencies, fathers often don't consider the pyschologic issues of managing their boys, they just try to reinforce the "man-up" approach. Don't misbehave and when things are challenging, man up. I suspect when you are a young Dad, you deal with things in a natural way. As you have more kids (if yo do), you probably learn some skills from experience. And when you are a grandparent, some things that might have been easy enough as a Dad can represent a cunundrum especially if you have a grandson or grandaughter who is challeging.
For whatever reasons, Fathers can be more retrospective about raising daughters. They seem to consider girls more complex, look at past experiences more carefully and they also assume there is more there that they do not understand--being a man and all.
Again, we want our kids to grow up and be good people. We also want them to be happy.
The experts talk about the need for kids to develop an emotional intelligence--a kind of toolkit that deals with frustrations, anger, and disappointment in a healthy way. Kids that have emotional intelligence are better equiped to deal with life. Kids that are lacking, can often turn to violence and anti-social behaviors. Based on my publishing experience in sports, I know Papa Bear George Halas had emotional intelligence--he comes to mind in this regard. He was very competitive and as a coach he would be fired up even more than his players going into a game. But regardless of the disappointment that might come his way, after getting some of the frustrations off his chest, he would put a smile on his face and say, "who do we play next." He got past it. We need to be competitive to succeed, but we don't need to be stuck in a competitive hell and drive ourselves towards bad behavior or poor sportsmanship.
Of course, besides wanting our kids to behave themselves, we want them to grow up with self-confidence. Self confidence is huge. Self confidence leads to success. Kids who believe "they are somebody" are more likely to grow up to become somebody. I remember reading about successful people and how they were raised by parents who loved them and always encouraged them.
Moms can be very encouraging even if at times it seems like they are bragging. Encouraging Moms today often have Facebook posts out there talking about their kids. Sometimes their posts smack of false modesty (look how wrinkled Jimmy's shirt was when he was accepting his scholar of the year award.), but they are usually promoting the deeds of their kids to their friends. I don't know for sure, but I have to believe the Moms who share their kids achievements on Facebook are likely to encourage the behavior with their kids and praise them accordingly. Moms seem to be better than Dads at promoting their sons achievements. A Dads role is sometimes described as the driver behind kid's achievements. They drive their kids to accomplish more and work harder. Some believe that Dads promote kids to be the best they can be. While Moms may appreciate their kids effort without all the strings attached.
I am no expert, but I have had bunch of kids and now the grandkids are coming, so I am thinking about this a lot lately.
Adults Need Encouragement as Well
Sometimes even when we don't grow up with great self esteem we can overcome that and put our nose to the grindstone and make some pretty remarkable achievements. But if we are faced with disappointment later in life, that can be difficult to get past depending upon your support system. Often our work places in a changing technological world can shatter our selfesteem with layoffs and harassment. We have to lean back and remember those who offered support whenw we were kids (whether teachers, parents, etc.) and allow others in our lives to give their support as well. As you read this today, think of your kids or grandkids who need your support, but also think of the adults in your life that could use a good "well done" as well.
Lawrence Norris is the author of The Brown and White and the publisher of Maddie Takes the Ice and The 10 Commandments of Baseball.
Crazy about my grandchildren.
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